Gwen Wong, Miss April 1967
This is a good craigslist ad
I am selling this insanely fast, powerful, scary, evil motorcycle to the first person to show up here with cash in hand and balls big enough to ride it.
THIS MOTORCYCLE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Men will fear you. Women will want you. A flood of manly hormones will fill your bloodstream and by the end of your first ride, you’ll have a beard down to your belly button. When I bought this motorcycle I was a wee 90 pound weakling; I am now a mighty lumberjack who eats sharks.
I have ridden this monster all over Oklahoma and it’s never left me stranded. It’s powerful enough to cross mountains without even a second thought, but settles into a nice highway groove for hours at a time.
This is the Chuck Norris of motorcycles. This is a two-wheeled tank, an armored assault vehicle for guys with no instinct for self-preservation. This is a rocket with a five-gallon tank and no common sense.
You don’t exactly RIDE this motorcycle; it allows you on its back, and it goes… and goes… and goes. Faster and faster, until your love for speed outweighs your fear of death. You will ride faster than your demons can fly.
Sits low, with brand new tires for that soft, smooth ride. This motorcycle will lull you into a false sense of security, meanwhile it will slowly consume your soul until all you can think of is serving your motorcycle overlord.
IT’S LOUD. IT’S MEAN. Pure, distilled testosterone is the only emission from the tailpipes. If you can’t get laid with this bike, you just plain can’t get laid, son. This motorcycle is a bigger panty-dropper than Brad Pitt’s abs.
AND NOW FOR THE IMPORTANT DETAILS YOU’VE BEEN WAITING SO PATIENTLY FOR!
THIS IS A 1979 HARLEY-DAVIDSON SUPER GLIDE. THAT’S AN 80” MOTOR, 4 SPEED TRANSMISSION. I HAVE HAD TONS OF WORK DONE ON THIS BIKE, INCLUDING:
-BRAND NEW TOP END ON THE MOTOR ABOUT 500 MILES AGO
-ALL TRANSMISSION SEALS REPLACED
-BOUGHT BRAND NEW TANKS AND FENDERS, PAINTED THEM BLACK (STILL HAVE THE ORIGINALS FROM 1979, THEY COME WITH THE BIKE)
-NEW TIRES 300 MILES AGO
-NEW ELECTRONIC IGNITION
-ALL WIRING RECENTLY GONE THROUGH
-NEW OIL LINES
-NEW PUSH RODS
-NEW THROTTLE CABLE, CLUTCH CABLE, NEW SWITCHES, NEW IGNITION SWITCH
-I WILL INCLUDE THE SERVICE/REPAIR MANUAL, S&S CARBURATOR MANUAL, A FREE HELMET, AND SADDLEBAGS IF I GET THE PRICE I’M ASKING.
I HAVE THE COMPLETE SERVICE RECORD TO PROVE ALL THE WORK I’VE HAD DONE TO THIS BIKE.
WE COME NOW TO THE PART OF EVERY CRAIGSLIST AD WHERE THEY TELL YOU ALL THE BAD STUFF ABOUT THE MOTORCYCLE THEY’RE SELLING. OKAY, READY?
THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS MOTORCYCLE; I HAVE FIXED EVERY ISSUE IT HAD, AND IT IS IN BULLETPROOF CONDITION. I’D RIDE IT TO ALASKA TOMORROW. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING IS WRONG.
IT’S WORTH EVERY PENNY OF WHAT I’M ASKING FOR IT. DON’T BELIEVE ME? OKAY, HERE. http://www.nadaguides.com/Motorcycles/1979/Harley-Davidson/FXE-1200-SUPER-GLIDE-1200cc/Values THAT ADDRESS TAKES YOU TO THE NADA WEBSITE, WHICH SHOWS THE ACCEPTED VALUE OF THIS BIKE.
Your wife will not like this decision you’re making. She will tell you it’s too big for you. It’s too FAST for you. She doesn’t like the little tiny passenger seat. Ignore her. Live your own life. Make your own path. She didn’t let you get that riding mower either, remember that? And she refuses to stock the fridge with good beer. She’s not on your side, friend-o. She doesn’t know you like I do. Like this bike does. We know you, and we’re here for you.
TEXT ONLY. DO NOT CALL ME; I’m probably off riding somewhere. DO NOT EMAIL ME EITHER; I don’t care if you’re a Nigerian prince with millions of dollars to share with me. The motorcycle does not care, for that matter. Not one bit.
TEXT ME. XXX-XXX-XXXX. My name is Frank.
UNLESS YOU HAVE AN M ON YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSE, AND YOU PUT 7 GRAND IN MY HAND, YOU ARE NOT RIDING THIS MOTORCYCLE. SHOULD YOU WRECK MY BIKE IN ANY WAY WHILE TEST RIDING, I WILL MERRILY SHOVE YOUR HEAD IN YOUR ASS, TAKE YOUR MONEY, AND WHISTLE AS I WALK AWAY INTO A RATHER LOVELY SUMMER SUNSET.
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers